Make This Go On Forever
by luvinoth1
Summary: Set a little bit after season 5. Lucas broke up with Lindsey because he still loved Peyton. Two years later, Lucas and Peyton are together, married, and forced to deal with a situation neither of them ever deemed imaginable. Mainly LP, but NH and others.
1. And That's How I Choose To Remember It

Hey, my name is Jasmine and this is my first fan fic! I've been wanting to try for a while now, but never got around to it. I hope you like it. Please read and review with suggestions. Every chapter title will be from a song. This one is from Rilo Kiley.

And This Is How I Choose To Remember It

"Don't do this, Peyton. Please, don't shut me out."

"You just don't understand Luke" said Peyton, the agitation in her voice clearly evident. "And I don't think you ever will.

"Peyton, I'm trying. I am trying so hard to understand. To be here for you. I'm hurting just as much as you. He was my son too and I loved him just as much as you did."

"Then why didn't you fight harder to save him?!" she yelled in hysterics.

Lucas knew this inevitable day was coming. The day Peyton would finally crack and express all the raw emotions that she had been bottling up inside for the past three months.

"Peyt, you knew how was sick he was." He gently pulled Peyton closer to him. He felt the tears building up in his eyes as he realized there were no words he could say that would lessen the sting for what he needed to tell her. "He was going to die."

"You don't know that Lucas" she said, pushing him away.

"He had less than a 10 chance of survival. His heart was failing Peyton. His organs were shutting down. Everything except his liver; a liver his sister could use. If the doctors hadn't removed his liver when they did, Anna would have died along with her brother. We were always going to lose him Peyton. But it didn't mean we had to lose Anna too. You were still unconscious. I had to make a decision and I did what I thought was best."

"You shouldn't have given up on him. I never would have..." Peyton's voice suddenly trailed off. It was as if she had finally come to a realization. Lucas looked into her eyes and finally understood exactly what it was she was trying to say for these past few months, but too afraid to speak the words aloud.

"You blame me don't you?"

Peyton hesitated slightly before speaking, "I never said that."

"Look me in my eyes and tell me that you don't." Peyton stared straight into his eyes, but couldn't manage any words.

"Say it. Dammit Peyton just say it!"

"I BLAME YOU! Ok? You should have never given up on him! Anna could have waited a while longer for a liver. You didn't have to let the doctors kill our son so she could have his!"

Peyton ran off into their bedroom and left a stunned Lucas behind in the living room. After taking a few minutes to gather himself and headed to their room to find Peyton rummaging through dresser draws. There was a suitcase on the bed.

"Peyton, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing Lucas? I'm packing. I can't stay here. I can't deal with this. Not now. And not with you." Peyton continued packing up her clothes and exited their bedroom. She headed next door to the nursery where Peyton grabbed a few of things and scooped up 3-month-old Anna.

Peyton left the nursery and headed for the living room and found Lucas waiting for her. "Will you at least tell me where you're going?" asked Lucas, the sadness evident in his voice.

"Brooke's. Then Anna and I will take a flight out to San Francisco. I'm going to stay with my dad for a little while" said Peyton as she put Anna in her carrier and headed for the door.

As Peyton began to turn the door knob, Lucas stopped her, putting his hand on hers. "Peyton, please don't run away." We'll never be able to work things out if you leave."

"Luke, I'm afraid that we won't be able to work things out if I don't." He let go of her hand, Peyton opened the door and then they were gone. His wife and his little girl were gone and for how long, Lucas did not know. All he could do was hope. Hope that it wouldn't be forever.


	2. I Never

**I Never**

Brooke was startled from her sleep by excessive knocking.

_It's 1:30 in the morning. Who could that possibly be at this hour? _Brooke thought to herself as she rushed out of bed and headed out to her front door.

When she opened her door she was shocked to find her best friend on the other side. Peyton had a suitcase in one hand, Anna in the other, and tears flooding from her eyes. Brooke could just tell how distressed her best friend was.

"Peyton, what's wrong?! Come in. Let me take Anna." Brooke grabbed the infant girl from her arms and ushered her inside.

Brooke carefully layed her sleeping goddaughter in a bassinet in the next room before returning to Peyton, who was frantically pacing in the living room. Brooke attempted to calm her friend down. She grabbed her lightly and urged her to sit down on the couch. She took a seat beside her. After a few minutes of silence, Brooke spoke.

"Peyton what's wrong?

By this time, Peyton had regained her composure somewhat. It was evident she was still upset, but at least not so frantic.

"I—I'm losing it Brooke. I've been trying really hard these past couple of months to be a good mother, a good wife, a good friend. Trying to convince myself that I'm ok. That Lucas and I were ok. But I'm not ok. Lucas and I are not ok."

"It's because of the baby isn't it?" Brooke asked somewhat rhetorically. She knew Peyton hasn't been herself since the death of her son. Lucas, Haley, Nathan…everyone knew. But she hadn't realized just how badly she was hurting and it made Brooke feel horrible.

Peyton's eyes began to tear up. "I never got to hold him. I never had the chance to tell him how much I loved him. I never gave him a name. I never even got to say goodbye."

Brooke knew there was nothing she could say to Peyton that would ease her heartache. And it hurt her so much to have to admit that to herself. So she just listened.

"Lucas accused me of blaming him for our son's death. And you know what? He's right. I do. I don't want to but I do. He should have fought harder to save him. I never would have given up on our son so easily." Peyton paused for a brief moment before continuing. "I love Lucas. But sometimes, I wish I didn't. Because being betrayed by the person you love hurts more than anything in this world. I don't know how many times over these past few months that I've---I've…"

She took a slight pause before continuing.

"That I've willed our love to die." She put her face into her hands and in a muffled voice asked Brooke, "Does that make me a bad person?"

"You could never be a bad person Peyton. And I know you don't really mean everything you just said about wishing you didn't love Lucas anymore."

"Maybe you're right about that. But why can't I stop blaming him?"

Brooke didn't know how to answer the question so she just ignored it. "I think you should talk to a professional about all this. I think it'll help."

"You're right. And when I get to my dad's, I think I will."

"You know you and Anna are more than welcome to stay here with me Peyton. You don't have to leave Tree Hill."

"If I stay here Lucas would just try to convince me to come back home and I can't do that. Not right now. Not when every time I see his face I can't help but think my son might still be here if he hadn't made the decision he did."

"How long will you be gone for?"

"I'm not sure. I'm hoping this time away will let me see things from a new perspective. Maybe give me some closure."

"What happens if it doesn't?"

Peyton took a moment to gather herself before answering honestly, "Then I don't see how Lucas and I could ever be together."

"But you love him Peyton. I thought love was suppose to conquer all."

"I thought so too Brooke. I really did. But I've come to realize now that sometimes love just isn't enough."

**The title is from the Rilo Kiley song, "I Never." I'm pretty obsessed with them these days lol. I know it's short but, I didn't want to add the next scene to this chapter. Hopefully I will have the next chapter up soon. Perhaps later on tonight. Definitely sometime tomorrow. Please review. It keeps me motivated to write. Here are some previews to tide you over...**

**_Nathan and Haley learn of Lucas's fight with Peyton. __Haley and Lucas talk; Peyton says her goodbyes._**


	3. I Believe In A Thing Called Love

**I Believe In A Thing Called Love**

_Ring! Ring!_

_The sound of the telephone ringing only caused Haley to stir but had awoken Nathan._

_He quickly glanced at his alarm clock and saw that it was 2:00 in the morning. Who could possibly being calling at this hour?_

"Hello?" Nathan spoke sleepily into the phone while rubbing his eyes.

"Nathan it's Brooke."

"This better be good Davis, I got a 6:00 meeting tom---"

"Peyton left Lucas." She interrupted. Not being able to keep it in anymore.

"What?! I thought the two of them were ok." Nathan was now fully awake and quietly got out of bed, not wanting to wake up Haley and headed downstairs and into his kitchen.

"So did I. But I guess they haven't been managing as well we assumed. They got into an argument and Peyton just came right out and told Lucas that she blamed him for their son's death." Brooke sighed before continuing. "She got here about a half hour ago in hysterics."

"It seems so out of the blue." Nathan knew Peyton hasn't been herself in months, but he never imagined that she'd just decide to up and leave Lucas. "Is she still with you?"

"Yeah, for right now. But she's leaving first thing in the morning to go to her dad's in San Francisco and she's taking Anna with her."

About this time Nathan saw Haley entering into the kitchen. She took a seat at the table, watching her nervous looking husband pace about the room while still on the phone. Haley could sense something was wrong, but did not want to interrupt his call. Nathan acknowledged her presence but continued his conversation with Brooke.

"Luke's gotta be a wreck." Nathan knew that his brother was crazy in love with that little girl and how devastated he must be to have both his wife and daughter gone. "Can't you convince her to stay?

"I tried to Nathan." Brooke said slightly agitated. "But there's no changing her mind. She's adamant about leaving."

"This separation…it's not permanent is it?

Brooke took a long pause before finally speaking. "I'm not sure Nathan. I'm praying that it won't be, but I don't know. I honestly don't know."

"Someone needs to check up on him."

"That's why I'm calling. I wanted to see if you or Haley would go over to their place. I would but---"

"You can't leave Peyton."

"Right."

"Does she even know you're talking to me?"

"No, she's in the shower."

Nathan sighed. "Alright. One of us will be over there. I need to speak with Haley, so I'll talk to you later." He hung up the phone and took a seat across the table from his wife.

"Nathan what's going on?" Haley asked concerned. "Are Lucas and Peyton ok?"

He took in a deep breath before answering honestly. "No they're not. They got into a pretty bad argument. Peyton's at Brooke's now. Apparently she hold's Lucas responsible for their son's death. She can't get passed it. She's leaving him and Tree Hill. Tomorrow she and Anna will be on a plane to San Francisco to stay with her dad."

"What?!" Haley exclaimed in disbelief. "Poor Luke, he has to be devastated. I know it's late, but we should go see how he is. I'm really worried."

"Me too. But what about Jamie? We're not going to be able to find a sitter at this time of night." Nathan paused for a moment, contemplating what they should do. "You go, I'll stay here."

"Nathan, are you sure? I mean, you are his brother."

"Yeah, but you're his best friend. You've always understood Lucas better than I ever could."

"Ok then. I'm gonna go put some clothes on and head over to see him."

Haley walked up to Lucas's door and knocked lightly. No response. She banged harder. Still no response. She bent down and removed a spare key hidden from underneath a flower pot.

She put the key in the door and called out to Lucas as she entered the house. "Luke?"

Haley walked and scanned the living room in search of her friend before heading up the stairs. She peaked into the bedroom and found Lucas sitting by the window sill, staring off aimlessly.

She took a seat on Lucas's bed and began staring in the same aimless direction. It appeared as if Lucas would never acknowledge Haley's presence, but finally he broke the silence.

"Do you remember the day when you got that scar on your knee?"

Haley found it an odd time for reminiscing, but went with it anyways. "Oh how could I possibly forget that? First grade. Recess. Me and you were playing on the merry-go-round. You decided it would be fun to push me off. I go flying and scrap up my knee."

"But you forgave me. I pushed you off for absolutely no good reason. I caused you to hurt your knee. I made you cry. Yet, I told you I was sorry, you accepted my apology, got up and we went back to playing. What's changed since then? Why now is it so hard for us to move on from things?"

Haley pondered this question for a while before deciding on how to answer it. "We grew up. We're not six-years-old anymore. Our troubles now are so much more complicated. Skinned knees are much easier to mend then broken hearts."

Lucas sighed. "I guess you're right."

Haley got up off the bed, walked over to Lucas by the window and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry about Peyton. I can't even begin to fathom how much you must be hurting right now."

She took a deep breath in before continuing. "You were forced to make a really difficult decision; a decision no parent ever wants or should have to make. Right now it may seem like you made the wrong choice, but you didn't Luke. He was too sick. He was being kept alive through tubes and his soul was long gone before you had the doctors turn off those machines. If you hadn't done what you did Anna may not be here either."

"Peyton…she doesn't see it that way."

"She will Lucas. She just needs some to sort it all through. Deep down in heart, she knows there was nothing that anyone could have done to save your little boy. It's just gonna take her some time to figure that all out."

"What if she never does?"

"You can't think like that Luke. You have to think positively."

"And how am I suppose to do that Hales?"

"By believing in this thing called love. Some may think that it's not enough, but two people who are so deeply in love like you and Peyton can make it through anything. I believe that and I know you do too."

Lucas agreed. "You're right. I do."

"And I'm gonna be right here by your side until Peyton realizes it too."

_The Next Day…_

"Peyton!" Brooke shouted from the doorway. "We need to leave now if I'm going to get you two to the airport on time."

"I'm coming, I'm coming." Peyton shouted back from inside the house. "Give me like two minutes. I need to change Anna's diaper."

"Alright well I'm gonna go pack the car." As Brooke headed outside towards the car she was pleasantly surprised to see Lucas standing beside it. She gave him a quick hug. "It's good to see you Luke. How are you holding up?"

"I'm not sure yet. I guess we'll both find out in a few days." Brooke nodded concurringly.

"I stopped over to say goodbye. Is she still insi---"

She cut him off. "Yeah. She's just changing Anna."

Brooke went back to packing as Lucas ran up the front stairs and entered into the living room of the house.

At that same moment, Peyton entered the room too and for the first time since their fight the two blondes were facing each other.

"Lucas if you're trying to change my mind don't bother because I'm not---"

"I didn't come here to do that Peyton. I came over because I just couldn't let the two people I love more than anything else in this entire world leave without at least saying goodbye to them."

Now Lucas was looking straight into his wife's big brown eyes. "Promise me…promise me that you won't give up on us. That you'll fight to hold on to what we have because I'm never gonna stop fighting for us Peyton. Never."

Peyton too was staring into her husband's eyes. "I promise that I'll try. But that's the best I can do" she said.

It was then Brooke came back into the house. She hated to interrupt them, but her best friend did have a flight to catch. "Peyton, we really need to leave."

"Ok, ok let's go."

The three walked outside and headed to the car. Brooke situated herself in the driver's seat as Lucas helped Peyton put Anna in her car seat. Once she was all buckled in Lucas kissed the top of his daughter's forehead and closed the door.

"Did you talk to your dad? He's gonna pick you up, right?"

"Yeah he'll be waiting for us at the airport."

"I love you Peyton. I always have and I always will."

She responded only by saying, "I'll call you as soon as we land." Lucas gave Peyton a quick kiss on the cheek, helped her into the car and watched his girls drive away.

**The title "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" is a song by The Darkness. I'm not sure why, but this chapter was extremely difficult to write. So I'd really appreciate a review. They really keep me going. I'm not sure when I'll have the next chapter up…hopefully within the next couple of days. Until then, here are some previews…**

_**Peyton and Anna arrive in San Francisco. Lucas throws himself into his work. Haley, Nathan, and Brooke attempt to cheer their buddy up. L/P flashbacks.**_


	4. Dreaming With A Broken Heart

i.e. Flashbacks appear through dream sequences and are italicized.

**Dreaming With A Broken Heart  
**

**_When you're dreaming with a broken heart..._**

_It was a quiet, peaceful Saturday afternoon in April. Lucas stared around at his surroundings in awe. He never would have thought that Brooke's backyard could make such an excellent wedding spot, but looking now he could see that Brooke knew exactly what she was doing in helping to plan her best friend's wedding. Everything was perfect. The decorations, the dresses, everything. And here Lucas Scott stood now at a small intimate wedding with his closest friends and family, marrying the only woman he's ever truly loved: Peyton Sawyer._

_Lucas took Peyton's hands into his and began reciting his vows. "I'll never forget the first time I laid my eyes on you. We were both seven. Our 2nd grade teacher sat me next to this pretty, curly haired blonde girl and even though you spent the entire year without ever acknowledging my presence, I sure noticed you. And I told Haley that some day I would get Peyton Sawyer to notice me too. I never actually thought that some day would take nine years--"_

_Lucas was then interrupted by a slight laughter from the guests at his last comment. Blushing a bit, Peyton just smiled, giving Lucas the signal to continue by nodding her head. _

_"--But I'm really glad that my persistence paid off in the end. We've been through a lot together. Some good times. Some not so good times. And as we grow older, our memory of those times may fade a bit, but the memory of the girl I experienced those times with? She will never be forgotten. Your that girl Peyton Sawyer. The one I want to grow old with. The one I've loved ever since I was seven. The one I'll never stop loving."_

_Peyton smiled at Lucas, teary eyed at his words, and began to recite her own original vows. "I never thought in a million years that I'd be standing in front of an alter, in a wedding gown, marrying anyone. Yet here I am today. Standing in front of an alter, wearing a wedding gown. But I'm not marrying just anyone. I'm marrying you Lucas Scott. The only guy capable of cracking my rough exterior. The only one who could help save me from myself. Through the good, the bad, the happy and the sad, you've always been there for me. And I always be there for you. Your the one I want standing beside me when my dreams come true. And even if some of them never do, I know I'll be ok because at the end of the day, as long as I have you in my life, nothing else really matters. I am in love with you Lucas. And while it may not have been love at first sight, it's a love that is real and true. One that grows stronger each and every day. A love that no matter what trials and tribulations it faces, will never die."_

**...the waking up is the hardest part.**

"Luke...hey man get up."

Startled from his sleep, Lucas slowly opened his eyes, slightly aggravated he had been awakened. He was surprised to see Nathan and Skills in front of him and even more shocked to find himself in his basketball office.

Nathan slowly just shook his head. "We've been calling your cell and looking for you all morning. This was the only place we hadn't checked. Haley said you two were suppose to meet for breakfast."

Lucas checked his phone and saw all the missed calls from Haley, Nathan, Skills, his mom. Everyone had called but the person he most wanted to here from. "Sorry, I had it on silent and I totally forgot I was suppose to meet Hales this morning. I'll call and apologize in a little."

Nathan looked concerned. "Please tell me you didn't sleep here all night."

"I didn't sleep here all night?" Lucas said unconvincingly, yawning and rubbing his eyes. "I really didn't mean to. I couldn't sleep so I came over here to look at some tapes. Its just being in that house alone is too hard."

Skills stood shaking his head. "When was the last time you and Sawyer talked?"

"Three days ago. And that's if you consider a 30 second phone call talking. I wish she was still here. We may have been fighting, but at least when we were communicating more often than we have been since she left seven says ago. But, she wants some space..."

"And even though it sucks, you gotta try to give it to her." spoke Skills.

"And in the mean time" piped in Nathan as he grabbed a chair and sat down next to Lucas "You can't stop living life man. Peyton and Anna. They will be back before you know it. You two have always managed to survive all the curve balls life throws at you. This one's no different. Believe that."

Lucas got up from his chair and stretched. "I hope you guys are right"

"I know we're right" said Skills cockily.

Lucas gave his friend a half-hearted smile. "So we still have a few hours to burn until practice right? You guys wanna grab some breakfast."

"You mean lunch?" Nathan asked pointing to a clock on the desk

"It's 1:00 already? Lunch it is I guess."

"Now I don't know about Nate, but I ain't going no where with you looking like that. What if we run into some girls? Luke, you know you my boy and all but you look a hot ass mess and I can't be having you mess up my game."

Lucas smelled underneath his arm and ran a hand through his messy hair. "Do I really look that bad?"

"Yeah, you really do look that bad." stated Nathan honestly.

"Alright, alright, I'll hop in the shower first."

143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143

**When you're dreaming with a broken heart...**

_"I still can't believe it" said Lucas in disbelief. He set down the Dickens __novel he'd been reading on the bed and picked up the sonogram picture from his dresser. "Twins. We're having twins."_

_"I know" Peyton said as she finished brushing her teeth in the bathroom. "It's pretty surreal. But you're happy about it right?"_

_"Yes, of course I am. It's just I never thought in a million years we'd be having twins."_

_"Neither did I." said Peyton as she turned the bathroom light off and eased into their bed. "I'm just glad to know that's the reason why I was gaining all this weight when I'm only four months along!"_

_Lucas raised his left eyebrow inquisitively. "Peyton what weight? You're barely showing."_

_"You're just saying that to be nice"_

_Lucas rolled his eyes. "No, I'm saying it because its the truth. You look great and you'll still look great five months from now."_

_"Really?" Peyton asked snuggling up to Lucas._

_He smiled and kissed her sweetly on the lips. "Really." _

_The two laid together in silence for a moment until Lucas finally spoke: "Peyton are you nervous about having the twins?"_

_Peyton took a second before responding, "Yeah a little" she answered seriously. "Being a good mother to one baby would be hard enough, especially when you never really had one to look up to growing up. And now that I know we're having two? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared." _

_Peyton paused for a moment before continuing. "It's gonna be hard Luke, but I'm sure we'll be ok. Between Dan, the shooting, psycho Derek, Lindsey--life's always giving us new challenges and we've always managed to overcome them."_

_"You think so?" Lucas asked._

_"No I don't think. I know."_

_"I love you Peyton. I always have and I always will."_

_Peyton smiled, kissed him on the cheek and said, "I love you too Lucas. And nothing we face will ever change that."_

**...the giving up is the hardest part.**

"Peyton. Peyton wake up."

"Hmm. What's going on?" asked a barely conscious Peyton as she ran a hand through her messy locks.

"Anna's been crying. I think she needs to be fed." responded her father Larry Sawyer. "I'd do it myself, but I'm already running late for work and--"

"I know, I know. It's ok Dad, I got her." Peyton instantly popped out of bed and headed to the next room. She scooped up Anna, sweetly hushing her as she headed toward the kitchen to prepare a bottle for her.

As Peyton began feeding Anna, Larry entered the kitchen. "You know I'm glad to have you two here Peyton, but I can't help but to think that the only reason you came is to hide from your problems."

"That's not true Dad." responded Peyton without taking her eyes of Anna.

"You've been here a week Peyton and not once have you sought any outside help like you promised me you would."

"I will soon ok?"

"Well soon is going to be tomorrow. I arranged an appointment with a doctor for you. You can call and cancel if you'd like, but I'm hoping you'll take it. I'm worried about you Peyton and I want to see you get better."

Larry placed the psychiatrist's card on the table beside Peyton. "Well I better get going or I'm going to be late." He kissed both his daughter and granddaughter goodbye and off he went.

After Anna finished her bottle, Peyton placed her back in her crib. She reentered the kitchen, grabbed the phone and stared at the card her father left on the table. She started to dial the number, but at the last second hung up.

"I guess I'll give it a try" she said aloud to herself.

143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143

_Later that evening in Tree Hill..._

Brooke was busy rearranging the clothing racks in her store when Haley entered. "Hey Tutor Wife, what's going on?

"Nothing too much. I just dropped Jamie off at a sleepover and I thought I'd stop by since I was in the neighborhood."

"I'm glad the boys were able to find Luke" Brooke said, frowning after noticing a slight rip in one of her dresses. "Millie! Can you come out here for a second!"

Millie came out from the back at once. "Is there something wrong Brooke?"

"Nothing major. Could you just take this dress and remind me to mend it later?"

"Sure, no problem." Millie quickly took the dress from Brooke and hurried off.

Brooke went back to looking through the clothes. "So where was he anyways?"

"Nathan and Skills found him asleep in his office."

"Really? Did he sleep there all night?"

"Apparently so" said Haley shaking her head. "I hate seeing Lucas like this. So miserable and lost. We need to do something to try and lift his spirits a bit."

Brooke stood pondering for a minute before speaking. "I know. Let's have a little get together tonight at Tric. Me, you, Nathan, Skills, Mouth, and Millie. Owen's working tonight, I'm sure he'll spot us some drinks."

"You think a get together without Peyton being there is really going to cheer him up?" Haley asked doubtfully.

Brooke shrugged her shoulders. "It's worth a shot."

143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143

_Later that night at Tric..._

"Ok! So whose up for another round of shots?" a smiling Brooke asked holding a shot glass up in the air.

"Count me in Davis." responded Skills accepting a shot from Brooke. "The more booze I drink, the less hideous these girls in here become."

Brooke laughed and Haley punched him in the arm

"Owww!" said Skills rubbing his arm. "What you do that for Haley? You know I didn't mean you girls."

Haley smiled. "Just double checking."

Skills just shook his head and walked away to go mingle. Brooke smiled, but began frowning when she noticed Lucas standing off in a corner by himself. She grabbed two shots from Owen at the counter and headed over to him.

"Here Broody. I brought you a shot." Luke reluctantly accepted the shot and the two clanked glasses and downed their vodka.

The shot did little to change Lucas' mood. He still had that blank, depressed look on his face. "Brooke, what am I doing here?"

"You're here to have a little fun with some friends?" Brooke responded, more asking then telling.

"I'm not having any fun."

Brooke sighed deeply. "Yeah I know. Luke I'm sorry. This whole night was a horrible idea. I just wanted to cheer you up--"

"And I love you for trying" interrupted Lucas kissing her forehead. "But there's nothing any of you guys can do. I think I'm just gonna head home early."

"Do you need me to call you a taxi?" Brooke asked as Lucas handed her his shot glass.

"Nah, I called one about ten minutes ago. It should be here soon, I'm just gonna go outside and wait for it."

"Ok. I'll see ya later then?"

Lucas nodded his head. "Yeah, sure." And then he was off.

Brooke stood for a moment watching him exit before she made her way back to the group. "This has just been an awful night!" she exclaimed.

"Lucas is heading home isn't he?" asked Haley. Brooke just nodded.

"What a brilliant idea it was to have him drown his sorrows with alcohol!" Nathan sarcastically stated.

"Yeah, what a brilliant idea. Way to go me" Brooke said to herself sadly.

143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143143

Upon entering his house, Lucas saw his answering machine blinking in the living room. His cell had died hours earlier so he was hoping that the new message was from Peyton trying to reach him. He went to go hang up his coat and then went over to the machine to play the message.

"Hey Luke, it's Mom." Lucas sighed a deep sigh of dissapointment. "I was just calling to talk with you. I hope you've been able to get in touch with Peyton. I know how much you miss her. Even though I'm a couple of continents away, I'm still here for you Lucas. Please call me back soon, ok? I love you. Bye."

Once the message ended, Lucas exited the living room and headed for his bedroom. He stripped down to his boxers, hopped into bed and slowly fell asleep.

_"Luke?"_

_Upon hearing his name, Lucas left the window he had been aimlessly staring out of and walked over to Peyton's bedside. "I'm right here."_

_"Where am I?" Peyton asked clearly confused and in a daze._

_"Were at the hospital, remember?"_

_Peyton looked around the room in confusion trying to gather her surroundings . " No, I--I can't remem--" _

_It was at that moment Peyton looked down at her empty stomach. She sat up and started to yell. "Where are the babies!? Lucas, what is going on!?"_

_Lucas tried to grab Peyton's hand in an effort to comfort her, but she shoved him away. "Peyton, you lost a lot of blood. You had been unconscious for hours--"_

_She cut him off. "Stop avoiding my question Lucas. Where are the babies!?" she asked loudly and very agitatedly._

_"Peyton you need to calm down first alright? Just calm down."_

_Peyton took in a few deep breaths in attempt to gather herself. "Ok. ok. I'm calm. Now please tell me what's going on."_

_"The babies...they were in distress Peyt. The doctors had to perform an emergency c-section on you."_

_"I want to see them."_

_"I'll go get the nurse and have her bring our daughter in." Lucas left the room and returned a few minutes later, trailing behind a nurse wheeling in an incubator. She wheeled the incubation unit to Peyton's bedside and left the room. _

_Peyton sat up in her bed and looked down at her daughter, covered in wires and tubes. "She looks so helpless. I just wish I could hold her."_

_"I know." said Lucas, taking a seat next to Peyton's bed. _

_Peyton continued to stare before suddenly remembering that her daughter had a sibling. "Where's our other baby?"_

_Lucas sighed, trying to find the most least hurtful way to tell her the most devastating news he'd probably would ever have to tell her. He quickly realized that there were no right words; he was just going to have to come right out and say it. "Peyton our son--"_

_"We have a boy? A little boy and girl. I knew it." Peyton smiled softly._

_Lucas didn't want to have to break her spirit, but knew she needed to hear the truth from him and from him only. "Peyton our son. He--he didn't make it."_

_"What do you mean he didn't make it Lucas?" _

_Lucas began to choke up a bit. " He died Peyton. He wasn't strong enough. His organs--most of them weren't completely developed and they started to shut down. Everything except his liver. A liver our daughter was in desperate need of."_

_"So you had the doctors kill our son to remove his liver to give to our daughter because he was going to die anyways. Is that what you're trying to tell me?"_

_"Peyton--I"_

_"Did you even give him a chance to fight Lucas?!"_

_"Peyton, I-I did. The doctors...they waited as long as they could, but they couldn't just let our daughter die from not having a functioning liver when our son, who more than likely wasn't going to make it had a healthy one to give her. I was rooting for him to pull through Peyton. More than you know, but I had to be realistic about the situation--"_

_Peyton just stared aimlessly with tears in her eyes. "I can't believe you sacrificed one child to save the other."_

_"Peyton if I hadn't made the decision I did, when I did, we would have lost both of them."_

_"Maybe, maybe not. But now I guess we'll never know." Lucas attempted to hold Peyton's hand in comfort, but she violently shook it from his grasp and without looking at Lucas said "I want to see him. Now. Have the nurse bring me my baby."_

_Lucas just stared at Peyton for a moment before exiting the room and quickly returning, carrying a tiny blue bundle in his arms. He walked over to Peyton's bedside and gently handed her their dead son._

_Peyton began to cry quietly as she cradled her little boy close to her heart. Observing his wife holding their son brought tears to Lucas's own eyes._

_"I want you to leave Lucas." _

_Her comments caught Lucas off guard. "Peyton, please let me--"_

_Peyton became extremely aggravated. She coldly, yet calmly, stated "Just leave Lucas. I don't want you in here." She then started sobbing uncontrollably._

_"I wish none of this would have ever happened Peyton. Just talk to me please. Don't shut me out. Please look at me. Peyton..."_

_Lucas abruptly awakened from his deep slumber, sat up and yelled out. "Peyton!" _

He briefly scanned the dark room and realized that he wasn't at a hospital with Peyton; that instead he was in a dark, empty bedroom, all alone.

**You roll out of bed and down on your knees  
And for a moment you can hardly breathe  
Wondering was she really here  
Is she standing in my room?**

**No she's not. Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.**

**The title, "Dreaming With A Broken Heart" is a song by John Mayer. I thought it served as a perfect theme for this chapter. Anyways, I'm soooo sorry it took me sooooo long to post this chapter. This semester is really kicking my butt. All of my teachers have been giving me an insane amount of work to do. Being on break this week gave me some free time to write. I hope you all enjoyed it. It was extremely difficult to write, so I would really really appreciate a review to know that people are actually reading my work. If I see that enough people are interested, I will perhaps post another chapter by the end of the week. Here are some previews to tide you all over until next time...**

**Next chapter: Peyton's first meeting with her psychiatrist. Lucas and Whitey have a heart to heart. **


	5. I'm Waiting

**I'm Waiting**

Peyton took in a deep breath and then gently knocked on her psychiatrist's door. Within moments she was greeted by an older woman.

"Ah, you must be Peyton. I'm Dr. Johnson. Please come in."

"I guess this is it." Peyton sighed and followed the woman into her office.

Dr. Johnson took a seat at her desk and gestured for Peyton to sit in a chair adjacent to hers. Peyton sat down and after a few minutes of silence, finally spoke. "God knows I've probably needed to over the years, but I've never seen a shrink before. I'm not too sure how this is suppose to work."

"Well why now? Why are you here to see me today?"

"I'm not sure." Peyton answered honestly as she got up from her chair, headed toward the window and began staring aimlessly outside at the rainy San Francisco streets. "Maybe it's because, while I've been able to live with what's happened to me in my past, I'm afraid that I'll never be able to come to terms with what happened with…"

"Your son?"

"Yeah" Peyton replied whispering.

"And why do you think that is?"

"Because" said Peyton turning her attention back to the doctor. "If Lucas hadn't done what he did, my son might still be here today."

"So you blame your husband for your son's death? Am I understanding you clearly?"

"I'm trying hard not to. I really am. But, I can't help it. He had to make a decision regarding our son's life and he made the wrong one. Now he's dead and no matter how much I wish I could just forgive Lucas for the choice he made, I don't think I can."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_Back in Tree Hill…at the Rivercourt_

"The score is tied, 20-20. Next basket wins the game. Lucas Scott has the ball. He dribbles in for a lay up, goes to dish it off to Nathan, but no! Skills steal it! Skills now has the ball, goes for a three…oh it's in and out, but Quentin's there to rebound it and he dunks the ball!" Skills and Q win again! Their fourth victory in a row over the Scott brothers!! This is absolutely incredible. Never have I seen the Scott brothers lose so many games--"

"Enough Mouth!" Nathan interrupted, giving him an evil glare.

"Oh come on Nate, it's not Mouth's fault you and Luke suck." Skills said laughing.

"Daddy doesn't suck!" Jamie yelled out angrily to Skills. "Just Uncle Lucas."

"Hey Jamie, that wasn't very nice!" Nathan admonished. "Apologize right now."

"There's no need for that Nathan" said Lucas as he attempted to take a jump shot and aired the ball. "Jamie's absolutely right. I stink."

Skills spoke up "You've got more important things on your mind Luke. We all get that. You know, why don't we just call it a day."

"That's fine by me" said Quentin as he packed up his bag. "I got a history paper to write anyway."

Mouth checked his watch "And I'm suppose to be meeting Millie for a late lunch."

"Yeah and I gotta get Jamie home so he can finish his homework up before Haley gets back from the studio."

Lucas started to dribble his basketball "Alright, well I'll catch you guys later. I'm gonna stay and shoot around for a little bit."

"You sure you want to hang around here by yourself? Nathan asked. "You know you're more than welcome to come hang with me and Jamie."

Lucas smiled half-heartedly "Thanks, but it's ok, you all go."

The guys looked at him skeptically.

"I'll be fine." Luke said, trying to sound reassuring. "Now get going."

"Aight" said Skills "But call if you need us."

"I will."

And then they were gone. Lucas continued to dribble around, take a few more shots, bad shots, when he became slightly startled by an unexpected, yet familiar voice.

"Looks like your game could use a little work."

Luke turned around and smiled at the presence that stood before him.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_At Peyton's music studio_

"Hey tutor wife" Brooke spoke out cheerily as she entered the studio. "What are you up to?"

"Nothing too much" said Haley as she skimmed through some discs. "Just listening to a few demos. Why what's wrong?"

"Why do you think something's wrong?"

"Because you wouldn't have come over here to see me if nothing was wrong. Especially since your coming over to my house for dinner tonight. You're still coming, right?"

"Yeah, yeah. That's not what I came over to talk to you about."

"Ha! So there is a reason you stopped by to see me! Spill."

Brooke rolled her eyes "Ok, ok. Well I know I promised I'd take Jamie to the zoo this Saturday and I--"

Haley interrupted "You promised to take him Brooke! He's been looking forward to this for weeks."

"Oh I still want to take him. I just wanted to know if I could do it tomorrow instead."

"That'd be alright" Haley said relieved. "But why can't you do it on Sunday?"

"I've decided to go to L.A. Fashion Week. I'm taking the red eye tomorrow night."

"But I thought that fashion week doesn't start for another week? Why are you leaving so early?"

"I just…" said Brooke, trying to think of a convincing reason.

"You want to stop by San Francisco and see Peyton, don't you?"

"Well yeah you know, I'd thought I would go and see her since I'm gonna be practically right next door to her in L.A."

"Brooke, San Fran is six hours away from L.A."

"By car! It's less than a hour by plane!"

Haley sighed "That's not the point Brooke. I mean, I know that Lucas is the one Peyton's upset with, but it doesn't mean she wants any of us around while she's trying to figure things out."

"Maybe you're right, but if there's even the slightest chance that she might want me, her best friend, around…I want to be there for her. I'm going to be."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_Back at the Rivercourt…_

Lucas dropped his basketball ball and went in for a hug "Mom, I've missed you so much."

Karen hugged her son tightly "I've missed you too."

"Are Lily and Andy with you?"

"No unfortunately. Lily got the chicken pocks at the last minute. Andy's with her. I hated leaving, but I really wanted to come and visit; see how your doing. So...how are you doing?"

"I dunno" said Lucas as he took a seat on the bench. "I mean, things between Peyton and I haven't gotten worse, but they're definitely not better."

"Have you talked with her much lately?" Karen asked as she sat down next to Lucas.

"Not much at all. A little bit here and there. Mainly about Anna. It doesn't go much deeper than that."

Lucas and Karen sat in silence for a moment before Lucas finally spoke "Do you really think things will get better?" he asked honestly.

Karen thought carefully before answering "I think they will. But, only if you continue believing that they will. I know it doesn't seem like it, but Peyton…she doesn't want you to stop fighting for what the two of you have. And the moment she sees that you've given up, she'll give up."

"It sometimes feels as though she has already."

"But she's making an effort Lucas." Karen responded, trying to reassuring. "It may not be the best way…but it's hers."

"And I'm trying to respect that I am. It's just hard."

"I know Luke. I know."

"But I'm willing to wait for her. I wasn't willing to before, when I first asked her to marry me and she asked me to wait. I almost lost her once because I was selfish. I won't make that same mistake twice. I'll be here waiting for her this time…for as long as she needs me too."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Bring! Bring!

Peyton, after just finishing up her first session with Dr. Johnson, searched desperately through her purse in search of her cell as she walked the busy streets of San Francisco, back to her dad's house.

"Hey Dad."

"How did it go today?"

"It went" Peyton answered sarcastically. She quickly realized that probably wasn't the best response to give so she decided to re-answer "I mean…It was ok I guess, it's just…I don't feel like anything's been resolved after that appointment."

"Well you can't expect things to be better after one visit Peyton. You have to keep going."

"Yeah, yeah I know. How's Anna?" Peyton asked changing the subject.

"She's good. She's asleep right now. Do you need me to pick you up?"

"No, that's ok. I'm walking back now. See you soon." And with that Peyton hung up her phone, threw it back in her purse and continued walking. A few minutes later her phone began ringing again.

"Ugh!" Peyton screamed out in frustration as she once again began searching her purse for her phone. "Hello?" she answered agitatedly.

"Peyton it's Luke"

She sighed slightly "Hey Lucas"

"How was your visit today?"

"Alright I guess" Peyton answered honestly. "I mean, It wasn't as bad as I thought—"

It was at that moment that Peyton, half-heartedly paying attention to where she was walking, ran smack dab into a pole

"Owww!!"

"Peyton what happened?" Lucas asked worriedly over the phone.

"Ugh…I just ran into a pole" Peyton responded dizzily from the ground, rubbing her head.

"Are you alright miss?" a voice coming from behind her asked. "Do you need a hand?"

"No, I think I'll be ok" Peyton said as she got up. "But thanks any--"

Peyton's voice became temporarily paralyzed as she came face to face with the thoughtful young stranger who had been so eager to help her. She instantly realized that this was no stranger. "Oh my gosh."

Lucas, still on the line, began shouting "Peyton! What's going?"

"Nothing, nothing I'm fine, but I have to call you back." Peyton hung up the phone and walked toward this familiar stranger.

"Peyton Sawyer!"

"Jake Jagielski!"

"It's been too long Peyton" Jake said smiling as he gave Peyton a hug.

"Much too long" Peyton whispered into his ear.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**This title chapter comes from The All-American Rejects song, I'm Waiting. Sorry for such a long wait! I've been busy and I have had major writer's block. I know how I want this story to end, but filling in the gaps is harder than I thought! I hope you all liked it. Oh, and while this is mainly going to be about Lucas and Peyton, I have a pretty interesting idea for a Naley subplot. You all let me know if you're interested and if enough people seem to like the idea, I'll add it in. I honestly don't know when I'll post my next chapter. Hopefully really soon. Please, please review!! They keep me motivated. Anyway, here's some previews until next time (though subject to change)**

**Next Chapter…**

**Lucas is on the hunt for an assistant**

**Brooke arrives in San Francisco**

**Peyton and Jake spend some time together. How will their reunion effect her relationship with Lucas?**


	6. Shut Up and Let Me Go

**Shut Up and Let Me Go**

__

Peyton and Jake, at a local cafe

"I still can't believe that **you're **the skinny blonde I watched run into a pole!" Jake laughed, taking a sip of coffee. "But I'm really glad that it was you."

"Well I'm glad that you ended up being the guy trying to help me up" Peyton said relieved. "And not one of the scary, psycho stalker types I tend to attract."

The two sat together in silence for a while before Jake finally spoke up, "I know that you…that you've been going through a rough time. My mom…she had told me what had happened…with your son. Peyton I—I'm so sorry. I really wanted to call you…to see how you and Lucas were doing. But, it had been so long…I—I didn't really know what to say."

Jake paused briefly before asking, "So how are you doing?"

Peyton sighed. "I'm hanging in there. Taking things slowly, one day at a time. It's easier to do that away from Tree Hill...so that's why I'm here in San Fran staying with my dad. Being in Tree Hill...it's just too hard right now, you know?"

Jake nodded. "Yeah, I get that. So you're here with Lucas and Anna?"

Peyton shook her head "No...I brought Anna with me, but Luke's in Tree Hill. Things haven't been going all that well. We're not really on the best of terms right now."

"I see. But you two are going to be ok though, right?"

"I hope so" Peyton answered honestly. "I really hope so."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

__

Lucas and Peyton's house back in Tree Hill…

Nathan took the key from under the flower pot and walked into his brother's house. He scanned the living room briefly before he finally saw Lucas in his writing office. He headed toward the room.

"So here you are. Weren't you suppose to meet me at Skills's apartment over an hour ago so the three of us could go over plays for next week's game?"

Lucas, who had been diligently working at his desk and hadn't noticed his brother come into the room, was extremely startled by the unexpected visit and jumped up in a slight state of shock. "Gosh Nathan, are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"You didn't here me come in?"

"Obviously not." Lucas shook his head. "You can't just let yourself into my house whenever you feel like it and creep up on me like that."

"I didn't mean to. I just wanted to know why you didn't come when you said you'd be there."

Lucas dropped his pencil and looked up at Nate. "It wasn't intentional, I got sidetrack with some work. You know you could have just called me first."

"Oh like you would have answered" Nathan said sarcastically.

"Probably not" Lucas responded honestly. "Look, that key under the pot is for emergencies. Unless its an emergency, ring the doorbell alright? That's all I'm saying."

__

Ding! Dong!

Lucas got up from his chair. "Kind of like that. Can you go and see who that is? I need to use the bathroom."

Lucas then headed toward the bathroom and Nathan headed toward the door. He opened it and there standing before him was a beautiful blue-eyed redheaded woman.

"Hello, would this be the Scott residence? I'm here to see Lucas."

Nathan eyed the woman suspiciously. "This is the Scott residence and Luke…he's here."

"Oh good" the woman said relieved. "I was afraid I might have the wrong house."

Nathan looked at her with curiosity. "And you are?"

"My name's Kate, Kate Ryan. I have a meeting here today with Lucas. We're working together on an upcoming literary criticism book on Southern Gothic literature."

"Sounds like a really interesting project you two will be tackling" Nathan lied.

"It really is a great genre" Kate said before changing the subject. "I don't think I caught your name. You are…"

"Nathan Scott, I'm Lucas's brother."

Kate extended out her right hand to Nathan and the two shook hands. "Well it's a pleasure meeting you Nathan."

"Likewise."

It was at that moment Lucas had come to the door and was slightly surprised to see Kate with his brother. "Hey Kate, what are you--"

A light bulb suddenly went off inside Lucas's head. "Our meeting is today, isn't it?" Kate shook her head yes.

"You know if it's a bad time, we can reschedule."

"No, its ok. We really need to get started compiling a list of the authors and stories for the book. It shouldn't take us too long. Please come in." Lucas motioned for Kate to enter and he quickly shut the door behind her and Nathan.

"You have a lovely home" Kate said in awe looking around the house.

"Thank you" Lucas said. "Hey Nathan, Kate and I will be in my office. Once we're finished we can head over to Skills's."

"Alright, I'll be out in the living room watching the game."

As Lucas and Kate headed toward the office, Nathan couldn't help but to continue to grill Kate suspiciously. _"And people thought Lindsey might have missed her calling as a model. Good thing Peyton's not here to see **her**."_

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Alright Jake, so enough about me. Do you live here in San Fran now? Is Jenny with you?"

Jake took a quick gulp of his coffee. "No, I still live in Savannah and no, Jenny's not with me. She's at Disneyworld with Nikki and her parents."

"How is Jenny these days? She's gotta be what, eight now?"

Jake nodded. "Yeah. She was just a little one the last time you saw her. She's in the second grade now. She's a great student and an even more amazing drawer. You're going to have to see some of her drawings sometime, you would love them."

Peyton smiled. "I'm sure I would."

"Yeah. Anyways, the reason I'm in town? Well it's right there." Jake said pointing across the street.

"Oh, that club over there? The Ruby Slippers?"

"Yeah. I'm a co-owner; a silent partner. It's just a small little jazz/indie rock lounge. My buddy John is the one who actually runs it but I try and come out a couple of times a year to see how everything's going…play a couple sets."

"Wow that's really great Jake."

"I'm actually playing tomorrow night. If you don't have anything going on, I would love for you to come and watch the show."

"Well I would love to come. What time are you playing?"

"9:30."

"Ok, I'll be there." Peyton took a glance at her cell and noticed the time. "I should really get going. I told my dad I'd be home over an hour ago."

Jake took a glance at his watch and got up from his chair. "Yeah, I gotta go too. But I'll see you tomorrow?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"I really think we should include some more Flannery O'Connor." Kate said while looking down her list. "How about 'Good Country People?' It's one of my favorites."

"I always forget about that short story" said Lucas as he quickly scribbled the title on his own list. "It's one of her better ones too. It definitely should be a part of this book."

The two remained silent for a moment before Lucas spoke "Now for Faulkner, how about 'A Rose for Emily' and _As I Lay Dying?"_

"Yes to 'A Rose for Emily,' but for novels I really think _The Sound and the Fury _is his finest work; a real masterpiece."

"Yes it is." said Lucas as he jotted down the title. "Maybe we could include both novels. Ok, now for plays, I really think _A Streetcar Named Desire _would be a great choice."

"You really think so?" Kate asked unconvinced. "I was thinking about maybe adding another novel, like _Gone With the Wind._

"But _Gone With the Wind _isn't really southern gothic." Lucas said thinking out loud. "Besides, I happen to think that Blanche DuBois would be a much more interesting character to dissect than Scarlett O'Hara."

"I'd have to agree with you about that."

Lucas began to write hastily on his notepad, while Kate's mind started to drift. Her eyes began to scan around Lucas's office and stopped at a photo on one of his walls. She got up and walked to the wall to get a better look. "So this must be **the **Peyton I've read so much about in your books."

Lucas glanced up. "Yup, that's her."

"She's very beautiful." Kate said before looking at another picture. "And so is your daughter Anna. Too bad your wife's out of town, I would have loved to meet them both. Maybe next time.""Yeah, maybe." Lucas thought to himself.

"Well, I think we've got a lot accomplished today so I think I'll go. I don't want to hold you or your brother up any longer."

"You heading back to New Bern?"

Kate shook her head no. "London actually…for a couple of book signings. I'll be gone for about three weeks. Anyways, I checked on my house here in Tree Hill today. Hopefully it will be ready for me to move into by the time I get back. Won't it be so much easier to finish this book once we're both living in the same city?"

"Yes, definitely."

Lucas and Kate exited his office and he walked her to the door. "See you soon Lucas" Kate said smiling, and then she was gone. Just as he had started to close the door behind her, Skills coming out of nowhere, suddenly appeared before him.

"Skills what are you doing here?"

"I have a better question for you Lucas." Skills said walking into the house, taking a seat next to Nathan on the living room couch. "What was **she **doing here?"

"That's what I'd like to" said Nathan.

"You guys, she's my co-author!" Lucas said in raised voice as he slammed the door behind him and headed over to where his friends were sitting down. "That's all."

"Well that's the hottest writer I've ever seen." Skills said shocked.

"She's not that hot."

Skills raised his eyebrows. "Not that hot? Luke, that girl's a model in the making and you know it."

"You should get another author to help you with your book." Nathan said seriously. "Having a hot co-author is like having a hot nanny. Look how well that turned out for me."

Lucas rolled his eyes. "Kate is not psychotic like Carrie."

"So you think." Nathan said underneath his breath. "I mean, you really think her upcoming move to Tree Hill has nothing to do with you?"

"What were you doing Nate, listening at the door? Really guys this needs to stop" said Lucas loudly, with anger creeping into his voice.

"What needs to stop?" Skills asked confused.

"A lot of things. First of all, the Kate bashing…it's uncalled for. I asked her to write this book with me because she's the most qualified person for the job. She is a friend and colleague. A very happily married colleague I might add."

"I didn't see a ring" Nathan said underneath his breath.

Lucas chose to ignore his comment. "We met through Lindsey. She's her editor too. She didn't make a special trip out here just to see me. Kate's having a house built here and was coming to town because she had to meet with the builders. And she's not moving to Tree Hill because of me. Her husband's family lives here and they've been trying to move for over a year now…they just haven't had the opportunity to do so until now. Besides, Peyton **knows** about her."

"Really?" Skills asked sounding quite surprised. "Well has she ever seen her? I know Peyton doesn't mind you still working with the ex-fiancee, but she might with this girl. I mean, she even knocks Lindsey out of the ballpark."

"No she's never met her, but what does it matter? It's not like she's here to be pissed at me anyways!" Lucas paused for a moment and took in a deep breath. "I'm sure you two can go over plays without me. I need to take a walk."

"Lucas we can all go over the plays another time. Are you ok?" Nathan asked concerned.

"That's the other thing that needs to stop. I can't take the smothering…it needs to end!" Lucas said getting really fired up. "I know you're just trying to look out for me, but I can't take it anymore. You two are always around, you come over unannounced and you're driving me both crazy! I really need some space and I'd greatly appreciate it if you both would just back off. You're causing me to lose what little bit of sanity I have left."

Both Nathan and Skills sat quietly in shock as Lucas continued to snap.

"Now I'm going to go and take my walk and when I get back, you two won't be here."

"Luke wait—"

Lucas immediately cut his brother off. "Nathan, just shut up and let me go!"

**I hope you guys liked this chapter. I really appreciate all the reviews! They keep me motivated. So anyways…Lucas finally snapped! Its about time, right? I can't say when I'll post the next chapter, but I will promise that it will be up as soon as I write it! Oh, and for anyone who may have been interested in the Naley subplot I was thinking about adding…I've decided not to do it. I do however, already have an idea for a sequel to this story, which would feature Naley heavily. Anyways, here are some previews until next time. I'm like 95 percent sure I know where I'm going with this story now, so I'm pretty sure these previews will be accurate, though as always, they are subject to change.**

**Next Chapter…**

**Peyton clashes with Dr. Johnson**

**Lucas joins Brooke and Jamie at the zoo and the two friends have a heart to heart**

**Peyton meets up with Jake at his club and the two have a night that neither one of them will likely ever forget**


	7. The Bitter Taste of Regret

**The Bitter Taste of Regret **

A/N: I am sooo sorry I'm just now updating this story after months!! I promise to not let that happen again! - Jasmine

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Can't we go in?" Jamie asked, growing impatient. "I really wanna see the chimps!"

"As soon as you're Uncle Lucas gets here." Brooke responded, checking out the time on her cell phone. "I don't know what's taking him so long, but hopefully he'll be here in a few minutes."

Brooke and Jamie stood for a few seconds in silence before Jamie spoke. "So why did you ask mama if you could take me to the zoo today? Why couldn't we go tomorrow?"

"Well" said Brooke bending down to Jamie's eyelevel ."I have to go to California for work."

Jamie looked at Brooke skeptically "Is that really why you're going? Or do you wanna go see Aunt Peyton? "

"Have you been talking to you're mother?" Jamie shook his head no. "Alright, yes I'm going to see your Aunt Peyton."

"Uncle Lucas really misses her. I miss her too."

"So do I." Brooke said sadly.

It was at that moment that Brooke saw Lucas at a distance, walking toward her and Jamie. "Alright Jamie, there's your Uncle Lucas. Don't say anything about me going to California, ok? I don't think he'd be too happy with me interfering."

"But it's what you do best!"

"Hey! I resent that!" Brooke said defensively.

"You resent what?" a voice asked Brooke from behind. She turned around to see Lucas.

Jamie ran up to him and gave him a big hug. "Uncle Lucas! You're finally here!"

"I'm sorry I'm late guys. The traffic heading into Wilmington was awful."

"It's ok." Brooke said cheerfully. "We're just glad you made it."

"So where are we headed to first J. Luke?"

Jamie's eyes grew big as he smiled and then shouted "The chimps!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"So you ran into your ex Jake yesterday?"

"Yeah, isn't that weird?" Peyton asked as she plopped down on the chair in front of Dr. Johnson.

"How did it feel? Seeing him again?"

Peyton pondered the question before answering honestly "Jake and I we…we never had a really messy break up or anything, so seeing him again after all these years…it was nice."

"Have you told Lucas you've spent time with Jake?" Dr. Johnson asked while taking off her glasses to clean them.

"No, I haven't."

"Is there a reason you haven't?"

"I wasn't intentionally leaving him in the dark about my seeing Jake." Peyton said growing slightly irritated with where this conversation was going. "I just haven't talked to Lucas since yesterday afternoon."

Dr. Johnson finished cleaning off her glasses and carefully placed them back on. "How do you think Lucas would feel about you spending time with Jake, especially at a time when your marriage is so fragile?"

"Oh, I dunno." Peyton answered, the sarcastic tone in her voice was already evident. "Probably the same way I feel about him hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, a.k.a. my best friend Brooke, or his working with the ex-fiancée, Lindsey."

Dr. Johnson just eyed Peyton curiously, remaining silent.

Peyton rolled her eyes "Alright so Lucas's best friend, Haley, she's married to his brother Nathan. Well Nathan and I dated for a long time back in high school, before Haley ever came into the picture. Lucas and Brooke were boyfriend and girlfriend before me and him were, and Brooke, well she once slept with Nathan."

Dr. Johnson looked at Peyton slightly bewildered. "It sounds like one big love rectangle…plus one. Whatever that is."

"Look, all I meant by that is that neither Lucas nor I are really the jealous type. I mean if we were, Lindsey wouldn't still be his editor, which she is, and Brooke, Haley, and Nathan wouldn't be three of our closest friends, which they are. Besides, Jake and I, though we ended on good terms, we ended for a reason."

"I see." said Dr. Johnson, scribbling something down on a notepad. "So why did you and Jake break up?"

"Because he knew my heart lied with Lucas."

"So Lucas is the only guy you've ever really been in love with?"

"I don't know." Peyton answered honestly. "I've never loved any man as much as I love Lucas and I know that I never will. Still, I think I'd be lying if I said I was never in love with Jake because I definitely think I was at one point in my life. I cared about him a lot. He was a really great guy…he just wasn't MY really great guy."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Thanks for taking me to the zoo Aunt Brooke. I've had a lot of fun so far." Jamie said licking an ice cream cone.

"Your welcome buddy." Brooke said smiling. "Anything for my favorite godson."

Jamie rolled his eyes "But I'm your only godson."

"True. But you're still my favorite." Brooke responded, giving him a wink.

"I'm gonna miss you while you're away in—" Brooke shot Jamie a look and he instantly stopped talking.

"Brooke, I didn't know you were heading out of town. Where are you going?" asked Lucas, feeling out of the loop.

"Can I go watch the handlers milk the goats?" Jamie asked.

"Yeah, I think that'd be a good idea." Brooke said, slightly upset with the fact that because of Jamie's slip she was going to have to come up with a smooth lie to tell Lucas.

Jamie ran off and Lucas and Brooke sat down on a near by bench.

"Look at how cute those goats are." Brooke said, feigning interest in an attempt to divert Lucas.

Lucas ignored her comment. "Brooke, you never answered my question."

"Right." Brooke said, trying to act as though she had forgotten. "I'm going to New York, for business. I have to meet up with some clients." _"Gosh I hate lying to him."_ Brooke thought to herself.

Lucas seemed disappointed "Oh."

"You seem upset that I'm leaving."

"Well, I am." Lucas said truthfully. "You're the only person who hasn't been treating me like a little kid that needs to be watched constantly. Nathan, Skills…even Haley…they're treating me like they would Jamie. I'm 25 for Christ sake, not 7."

"They don't mean to Luke. They're just trying to be there for you the best way they know how."

"I know. But them being so overprotective isn't going to bring Peyton back."

Brooke sat quietly for a moment before responding to Lucas' statement 'That's very true." she finally said. "But you and I both know she will come back. It's just a matter of when. You need to stop thinking so negatively."

"You're right Brooke, its just…really hard sometimes, you know? I feel like the longer she's gone, the more we're growing apart."

"You two will never grow apart because you're not just any couple. You're Lucas and Peyton. True love always. Nothing and no one has or ever will prevent the two of you from being together. I had to learn that the hard way, but that's beside the point. You just need to have a little faith my friend. Faith in the love that helped inspire you to write three best-selling novels. Faith in the girl who professed her feelings to you through a drawing on the river court with the words—"

"I will always love you."

"Peyton will always love you Lucas. Don't stop believing that."

Lucas nodded his head slowly. "I won't."

Brooke smiled and gave Lucas a great big hug. "You're going to be okay."

"You're a good friend Brooke Davis." Lucas whispered into her ear. "Thank you. Thank you for being here for me."

"You're welcome." Brooke said as they released from the embrace. "So…you want to go and check out the goats?"

Lucas gave Brooke a small smile. "Yeah, let's go."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"I would like to shift gears now." Dr. Johnson said as she stopped writing and placed her pencil down on her desk. "Let's talk about Anna. On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your attachment to her?"

"A 10. I'm very attached to Anna. She's my daughter and I love her."

Dr. Johnson nodded. "Ok. Now tell me…do you think that Anna would be here today had Lucas not made the decision that he did, when he did?"

Peyton pondered the question for a long while before answering. "I don't know."

"You're not sure, yet you resent him for making that decision; the decision that ended up saving your daughter's life?"

An extremely heated Peyton sat up from her chair. "Are you trying to imply something?"

"Peyton, I'm not---"

"I love my daughter!" Peyton interrupted. "I love her JUST as much as I loved my son! How dare you suggest otherwise!"

Dr. Johnson shook her head. "I'm not. I just asked a question."

Peyton began crying uncontrollably. "I don't resent Lucas for wanting to save my daughter! I resent him for his WILLINGNESS to SACRIFICE our son SO QUICKLY to do so! He never even gave him a chance to fight! I…I NEVER would have let him die without giving him that chance! I…I…"

"Are you sure that Lucas is the one you resent for your son's death?" Dr. Johnson asked interrupting. "Because I don't think he is. I think the one you really blame is yourself."

A frustrated, teary-eyed Peyton stared into Dr. Johnson's eyes for a long while, but remained silent. Instead of responding, she grabbed her handbag from off the floor and hurried out of the office, slamming the door as she left.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_Later that night at The Ruby Slippers…_

"What can I get for you?" the bartender asked looking at Peyton.

"A shot."

"A shot of what?"

"Does it look like I care?" a sad and agitated Peyton answered back.

"Ok…tequila it is." The bartender poured her a shot and slid it over to Peyton.

Peyton took the glass and downed it. "Give me another."

"What are you trying to do? Drown your sorrows with liquor?" The bartender asked as he poured her another one and slid it to her.

Peyton downed the tequila and motioned for him to refill her glass. "Maybe."

He poured some more tequila into her glass. "Well I'd be careful if I were you. Liquor might numb the pain for a while, but it won't make it go away."

Peyton watched the bartender as he walked off and then sighed heavily. She then picked up her shot and guzzled it. It was at that moment that Jake emerged from behind her and took a seat next to her at the bar.

"Peyton…you're here!" Jake said smiling as he gave her a hug.

Peyton smiled. "Of course I'm here!"

Jake eyed her curiously and then noticed the empty shot glass in front of her. "Are you tipsy?"

"Maybe just a little." Peyton answered honestly.

Jake nodded. "Well maybe you should slow down a bit."

Peyton nodded her head in agreement. "Yeah." She then quickly changed the subject. "So…when are you performing?"

Jake was about to respond when an announcer from the stage began speaking.

"Now everyone give a round of applause for our next performer…Jake Jagielski!"

"Well I guess I'm performing now." Jake told Peyton as he hopped off his stool and headed to the stage.

He sat down on a chair placed in the center of the stage and picked up his guitar. "Hey everyone. My name's Jake and this first song I'm going to play for you all is a love ballad called 'I Will Remember You.' I'd like to dedicate this song to the girl that inspired it…a dear friend of mine who's here tonight. Peyton…this is for you."

Jake then began playing his song as Peyton looked on and smiled from the bar.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"You were really great tonight Jake." Peyton said as she finished up her Long Island iced tea.

"Thanks." said a concerned looking Jake. He quickly changed the subject. "Peyton…you should probably stop drinking. I think you've had enough."

Peyton rolled her eyes. "Ok, 'dad.'"

"No, Peyton…you really need to stop. I wouldn't be telling you to if I didn't care."

Peyton waved over the bartender and asked for another shot of tequila. He poured her a glass and handed it to her. Peyton took the glass and got up from her stool. She then turned her attention to Jake. "Stop caring and leave me alone."

Jake stared deeply into Peyton's eyes for a long while before he finally walked off. Peyton took a seat back down at the bar and downed her shot.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_The next morning…_

Peyton started to stir in bed and slowly began to awaken. She opened her eyes and began looking around the room. She soon came to the realization that she wasn't in her bed or even at her father's house. Peyton quickly sat up and continued to scan the room. She noticed her clothes lying on the floor beside the bed and she gasped in fright.

Peyton covered her mouth with her hand and began shaking her head. "Oh my God?!"

Just then, the bedroom door opened up.

Peyton turned her attention to the door and once again gasped in horror as tears began to well up in her eyes. "Jake…what am I doing here?! What…what did we do?!"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**Okay…I am SO sorry it took me like 3 months to update this fic! I didn't forget about it…I had just been focusing on my other ones. But I promise that I'll be better about updating this one. Anyways…it looks like Peyton's really starting to spiral. Can she recover? Do you think Brooke's trip to San Fran will help? Or did Peyton's recent night of drunkenness ruin what little chance she had? Hmmm…I guess you'll have to wait until next time to find out! I hope you guys enjoyed. Please please review….I greatly appreciate the feedback!**


	8. Life After Death

**Life After Death**

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. I greatly appreciate them all. Here's another short update. – Jasmine

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Jake…what am I doing here?!" Peyton asked as she pulled the covers up around her. "What…what did we do last night?!"

Jake sighed heavily and took a seat down in a chair beside the bed. "We didn't do anything. After you passed out at the Ruby Slippers I brought you back here. You slept in my bed, while I slept out on the couch in the living room."

"Well then why am I lying here naked?!" Peyton asked as she ran a hand through her messy blonde locks.

Jake shook his head and shrugged. "I have no idea. You were fully clothed when I laid you down here. You must've stripped down at some point after I left the room."

A severely hung over and ashamed Peyton just sighed and shook her head.

"Peyton you know me. You know I would never take advantage of you. After you passed out at the club last night I had planned on taking you back to your dad's, but I didn't know where he lived and your cell was dead so I couldn't call him and find out. So I decided to bring you back here to the apartment."

"Jake's been nothing but a gentleman!" Jake's friend John shouted from outside of the room.

"That's John. Don't pay him any attention."

Peyton shook her head. "No, he's right. I…I know you would never try to sleep with me. You were just being a good friend. Even after I acted like a complete ass to you."

"Yeah well, you needed help." Jake said as he took in a deep breath. "And there was no way I would have left you there."

Peyton nodded her head slowly. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

The room filled with silence for a long while before Jake finally spoke up. "You're really lucky that it was me who took you home instead of some random sleazy club guy."

Jake sighed before continuing. "You know I'll always be here for you Peyton. No matter what you say or do…but you…going out and getting trashed the way you did last night? That's not you Peyton. You're better than that."

"I know." Peyton said sighing. "I know."

"Alright well I leave and let you get dressed. Then I'll give you a ride back to your dad's."

"Ok."

Jake began to head out the room, but stopped and looked back at Peyton. "I know that deep down you're still the same girl I fell in love with all of those years ago. The girl that a part of me will always love. Find that girl Peyton…and be her."

Peyton stared into Jake's eyes and nodded her head slowly as Jake exited the room

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Peyton slowly opened the door of her dad's home and entered into the living room, shocked to find not her angry father waiting for her on the couch, but instead her very angry best friend.

"Brooke…what are you doing here? How's the baby?"

"Anna's fine, she's sleeping. Where the hell have you been Peyton?!" a furious Brooke asked. "I come here to see how you're doing and find your dad in a state of panic wondering where the hell you are! He's out on the streets now looking for you!"

Peyton sighed as she plopped down on the sofa. "I was…I was with Jake."

Brooke got up from the sofa and eyed Peyton curiously. "Jake as in…Jake Jagielski?"

Peyton nodded her head.

"He lives here in San Francisco?"

"No…well kinda…part time---"

Brooke cut her off. "Whatever, it doesn't matter. What were you doing with him ALL NIGHT LONG!? Tell me you didn't go out, get wasted and sleep with him."

Peyton shook her head. "I didn't sleep with him. I swear."

"Then what happened to you?"

Peyton took in a deep breath. "I…I had a rough day yesterday, ok? I was upset so when I went to this club to watch Jake perform last night, I ended up drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I got completely trashed and Jake…he brought me to his house and took care of me. That's all. He was the one who dropped me off."

"And why didn't he call your dad and bring you back here last night?"

"My phone died! And he didn't know where I was staying!"

Brooke sighed and began pacing the room. "Peyton, what are you doing? I thought you were coming out here to work on yourself, but instead of doing that you're spending your time going out and getting trashed?!"

"No, it was one time---"

"I've been defending you back in Tree Hill while you're here in San Fran not making any effort---"

Peyton got up from off the couch and interrupted Brooke. "I AM trying Brooke! But you…you don't understand how hard this all is for me!"

"You're right I don't." Brooke said staring into Peyton's eyes. "I couldn't even begin to understand how you're feeling. But you have responsibilities Peyton. Anna…she needs you. And not this half-assed version."

Peyton plopped back down on the couch and began to cry. "So you think I'm a bad mother?"

Brooke sighed and took a seat next to Peyton. "I didn't say that."

"But it's what you're thinking. And you know what? You're right. I'm a horrible mother! I mean…what kind of mother leaves her daughter to go out and get wasted?!"

"A depressed one."

"I'm a terrible mother." Peyton said, ignoring Brooke's words. "A good mother…a good mother never would have done what I did last night. And a good mother never would've let her child die."

"Peyton what are you talking about?" asked a concerned and slightly confused Brooke. "You didn't let him die."

"But I did." Peyton said in between sobs. "By not being there for him. If I…if I had been awake…maybe I could have done something…something to save him. It's my fault he's dead."

A now teary-eyed Brooke began shaking her head. "Peyton, don't blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done."

"How can you be sure?" Peyton asked, staring into her friend's eyes.

"Because you didn't see him Peyton. You didn't see him hooked up to all of those tubes and wires. He looked so helpless…like he was in so much pain and you know why? It's because he was. His body was shutting down and Luke…he did the only thing he could and that was to let him go. He let him die so he wouldn't have to suffer anymore because there was nothing that could've been done to save him. You…you wouldn't have been able to save him Peyton."

Peyton didn't respond to Brooke's words. Instead she continued to shake her head and to sob softly.

"Alright Peyton, there's something I need you to do and you know what? A part of you might really hate me for making you do this, but it really needs to be done."

Peyton remained silent, but focused all of her attention on Brooke.

Brooke placed her hands on Peyton's shoulders and looked into her eyes. "I want you to repeat after me: there was nothing I could have done."

Peyton shook her head and attempted to get off the couch, but Brooke forcefully stopped her from doing so. "Peyton, I am not letting you leave this room until you repeat what I say…there was nothing I could have done."

Peyton took in a deep breath and stuttered out the words. "There—there w—was nothing I could have done."

"There was nothing anyone could have done."

"There was nothing anyone could have done." Peyton repeated, sniffling.

"Because my son was going to die."

Peyton began to violently shake her head and once again tried to get up. "No, no I won't say it."

Brooke gently forced her back onto the couch. "Say it."

Peyton's puffed up eyes glared into Brooke's. "You're right. I hate you for this."

Brooke shook her head up and down. "That's fine. But it still doesn't change the fact that I'm not letting you leave this room until you say it: my son was going to die."

"M—my s—son…he was…g—going to…d—d—die." Peyton whispered.

"Say it again and say it loud."

Peyton was now crying uncontrollably.

"Peyton---"

"MY SON WAS GOING TO DIE!" Peyton yelled out to Brooke. "HE WAS GOING TO DIE!"

Brooke instantly let go of Peyton's shoulders and hugged her tightly, letting Peyton cry in her arms.

"I know that was hard for you to say." Brooke said as she held Peyton and stroked her hair. "But you needed to say it. And I hope now that you've said it aloud…you'll start believing that none of this was your fault. Or Lucas's…or the doctors. It wasn't anyone's fault."

Peyton lifted up her head and looked at Brooke. "I wish I could have been there for him. To hold him…to let him know that everything was going to be okay…so I could tell him how much I loved him and wanted him."

"I'm sure he knew all of that Peyton." Brooke told her friend. "And you don't have to worry about him. Your mom, Ellie and Keith…they'll take care of him for you until the day comes when the two of you will be reunited. And in the meantime, you need to take care of yourself…and Lucas and Anna because they're not dead. Lucas is here. Anna is here…and they both need you. And you need them. I know it's hard to imagine moving forward after losing your son, but there's life after death Peyton and you have to live it."

Peyton nodded her head slowly as she stared into Brooke's eyes. "And I will."

Peyton then rested her head on Brooke's shoulder, while Brooke absent mindedly continued to stroke her best friend's hair. "You're going to be okay P. Sawyer. You're going to be ok."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**Okay…so I hope you guys didn't really think I'd have Jake and Peyton sleep together did you? That'd be so un-Jake like for him to do something such as that! Anyways…Brooke was kind of tough with Peyton, but it's really what she needed. Brooke forced her to be honest and to confront her emotions. Alright…I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Please review…I greatly appreciate them! :)**


End file.
